From: "Gary Palmer"
Subject: Re: BOUNCE Non-member submission

Jason Nealis wrote:
>
> It's good to know Mr. Hankins hasn't changed :)

He is in fine form.

The company he works for just comissioned a machine with a rather
unusual hostname. ``Pants''. Since this machine is a news feed box, and
Mr Hankins works for that company, I put two and two together and got
the obvious answer:

DAVE HANKINS PANTS!!!

Now, since this machine acts as a newsfeed, you can imagine what is
going on. Women, in various levels of undress, are passing through.
Several a second. Not to mention the odd guy. This must make Mr Hankins
pants the most heavily traffic, and most promiscuous, pants on the 'net.

Can you imagine the conversations?

<PersonA> Where'd you get that?
<PersonB> Dave Hankins Pants.
<PersonA> !, etc
* PersonA eyes PersonB warily


From: "David W. Hankins" Subject: Did someoene mention my PANTS? On Tue, Mar 23, 1999 at 04:45:55PM -0500, Beth Montgomery wrote: > Jason Nealis wrote: > > It's good to know Mr. Hankins hasn't changed :) Good? I'll have to work on that until it becomes 'disturbing.' > He is in fine form. Well, I try to keep in shape, you know, do those crunches, clench my buttocks like Rosie used to teach me. Thanks for noticing, cuddly-wunkums. > The company he works for just comissioned a machine with a rather > unusual hostname. ``Pants''. Since this machine is a news feed box, and > Mr Hankins works for that company, I put two and two together and got > the obvious answer: > > DAVE HANKINS PANTS!!! Yes, those PANTS are mine. But they're not normal PANTS. These PANTS are fast and wide. > Now, since this machine acts as a newsfeed, you can imagine what is > going on. Women, in various levels of undress, are passing through. > Several a second. Not to mention the odd guy. This must make Mr Hankins > pants the most heavily traffic, and most promiscuous, pants on the 'net. And animals. We all remember Enger's story, right? All roads lead to Rome; all paths lead to my PANTS. I hope to someday make my PANTS one of the epicenters of porn on the internet. > Can you imagine the conversations? > > Where'd you get that? > Dave Hankins Pants. > !, etc > * PersonA eyes PersonB warily Oh, it gets better. The greatest joy I've received from my PANTS in two months has been the response I receive from people when I tell them, flatly, about my PANTS. My PANTS haven't been down in 27 days, but I did get one false alarm when a NOC staffer text-paged me with: 'Your PANTS are down.' Shortly, he paged me again: 'Nevermind, I was wrong, your PANTS are up after all.' Hard to believe someone would confuse wether or not my PANTS were down. Every day at midnight, my PANTS automatically online-defragment themselves. My PANTS won't fit in a standard 19" four post rack enclosure...so I wound up leaving them on the floor of SkyCache's cold room. Oh, they're the right width, they'll fit between the 19" posts...by a narrow margin...but if I put my PANTS in our racks, we can't close the doors. I recently benchmarked my PANTS at 2.2 million dhrystones/second and 250MB/s memory throughput. My PANTS perform well. Howland feeds my PANTS. Other top usenet peers are vying to get into my PANTS...but Enger is the first and still the strongest presence in my PANTS. My PANTS have a hardware RAID array with a large write cache. Not many people can say that about their PANTS. Believe me, I've asked. Soon, I'll be keeping my PANTS at MAE-East, the only place where they'll be able to receive the attention they deserve from their admirers. And just think...output from my PANTS immediately uplinks to a LEO satellite, to rain down all over North America and Hawaii...and now in large parts of Europe. You can't even leave the country to escape my PANTS. It gives me a great sense of vindication to know that, right now, somewhere on the west coast, Mark Buse is surrounded by electromagnetic emissions from my PANTS. Mostly all I do with my PANTS is substitute them into lines from Star Wars. "Your lack of PANTS disturbs me, general." "You came in those PANTS? You're braver than I thought." "I don't care what you smell, Chewie! Get down those PANTS!" "Han'll get those PANTS down! We've got to give him more time!" "Witness the power of these FULLY OPERATIONAL BATTLE PANTS!" Ah, yes. Hours and hours of fun I have had. The puns do not cease. The company network diagrams with my PANTS sketched into the corner circulate through all levels of the organization. I have a backup box I haven't racked yet. I call it 'SHORTS.' In early testing, all my SHORTS would do is core dump. I think they've grown out of that now, and I've cleaned all the cores out. So even if my PANTS go down, my SHORTS will take up the slack. -- David W. Hankins "If you don't do it right the first time, Network Mercenary you'll just have to do it again." -- Jack T. Hankins